Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I have Pregnancy Turrets

I realized that whilst pregnant, the average woman has something I call “pregnancy turrets”.  This is an undocumented affliction [that I just made up] where we randomly say things out loud concerning our ever changing bodies. Just yesterday I was getting out of the shower and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and said, “Are my areola's two different sizes? What up with that?” 

I also got out of the car today and turned to Potter and said, “You need to get me out of these jeans and I’ll be happy!” I didn’t realize there were guys working on the deck next door. I’m sure they thought, “Slow down sister, that’s what got you into that mess in the first place.”

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Parking in the pregnant lady - really?

Pregnant ladies should have little signs for our cars that simply say - "Please park correctly, I need the space to maneuver."  I was at my new OB's office and sure enough some jackhole parked so close to my door I couldn't get back in my car. Now, I know it could have been my perception (as in the guy was parked correctly, I'm just bigger but I'm not going with that). I am sure it was entertaining watching me crawl over the passengers side of the car into the drivers seat. The best part....he walked up to his car and got in as I was doing this. I'll be honest, I hope he feels guilty. 

Sunday, March 7, 2010

What will you have?

A Facebook friend recently sent me this chart to determine what the sex of the baby will be. Completely scientific, I'm sure. Matter of fact, I think this is the basis of sonogram technology. If you know someone who is about to have a baby, have them check the chart to see if it's right. 

I'm sorry, we don't do business with pregnant women.

I have been a victim of discrimination, or so I have been told. Recently, I made a dentist appointment for a cleaning at a new place. (My teeth are fine, I just needed someone to kick me in the but about my lack of flossing.) I showed up at the appointment and started to fill out my paperwork, I went to the receptionist desk and said - "I am 28 weeks along so do you have an x-ray shield big enough that will cover my stomach?" The cute blonde receptionist looked at me horrified and said, "Oh no, we don't see expectant mothers at all, we'll have to reschedule your appointment until after the baby is born. It's unsafe." This was news to me, so as I walked to my car, I called my OBGYN and asked if it was unsafe and if I was already a bad mom for wanting clean teeth. Their response was was hysterical. "What dentist office was this? I am calling them right now, that's ridiculous! How dare they!? We strongly recommend dental care during pregnancy, you can get x-rays, cavities need a new dentist! "

Little girls are snotty early on aren't they?

I went to visit one of my only girlfriends that has kids. When I walked in she says, "The 18 month old is going through a clingy phase right now so she's...special." When the dictator adorable little girl woke up from her nap, she wouldn't let mom out of her sight. And if mom walked around the corner, the screaming and tears would start insantly. MAMA,MAMA,MAMA! She also had to be held by mom or dad at all times. I thought I might be able to break the spell by bribing her with chunks of fresh banana bread. As I would give her some, she'd eat it and turn dramatically away as if to say, "Ew, you're gross, I can't even look at you."  She would also give me these evil eyebrows from across the room. It was very clear she'd didn't like strangers in her house so close to her mama. Of course the parents were used to this regime and just laughed it off. But I'm convinced that she knows exactly what she's doing. If you believe in reincarnation - picture the hot chick in your high school with the snotty attitude. Now picture her in pigtails and a Dora t-shirt on.

Applebee's ordered a girl.

I was at Applebees recently and as my waitress took my order, the person sitting across from me said, 'Aren't you going to eat more than that? You're eating for two!" The waitress stops everything and says, "My son is 7 months old and I hate going to work everyday! The first few months are horrible but after that, you'll love it." She then asks what I'm having. I say, I don't know, what do you think? She  then ordered me to stand at baby attention in the middle of the resturant so  she could pull my dress tight and fully examine the bump. As my table is cracking up at my misfortune, she starts calling over other employees to get their baby opinion. Survey says, 3 out of 5 Applebee's staffers think I'm having a girl. PS - saying "wow, you're pretty round" does not increase your tip.

Is that a manatee?

I recently went to Florida on vacation. It was kinda sunny but not beach weather at all. One kinda warmish day we ventured outside to experience the hotel pool. Ecpecting it to be freezing, we took the jump right in approach. Little did we know the outdoor pool was heated. Apparently, they don't feel the need to post that type of information, so inorder to have the pool to ourselves, we acted like it was cold everytime some other poor soul would step outside into the wind and rain. Are we bad people? Maybe. But we had a massive heated pool to ourselves. 

During our swim I realized two things....
1. Maternity swimsuit shopping is cruel and unusual punishment.
2. I felt graceful eventhough I'm pretty sure I looked like a manatee.